The Healing Continues...12q

There has been no talk of THE “anniversary” at my home, a post for another day, maybe tomorrow.
Anyways, I am still under the weather so I decided I would go to sleep with the girls last night at 9pm.
We got our jammies on, brushed our teeth, I tucked Maddie into her bed and then Lily asked if she could sleep with me.
I said “#Yes, jump in, I’m going to run downstairs and turn the lights off and lock up, I’ll be back in a minute.”
When I came back upstairs, I stopped on a dime as I crossed the threshold of my bedroom door... my room smelled of Michael. I felt it immediately in my gut, then it took my breath away and I felt like I was going to cry. How could it smell like him?
I looked over and Lily was laying in bed wearing Michael’s “Bonus Dad” shirt that they had given him, looking over at me with her big blue eyes.
“Lily, did you spray Michael’s cologne?”
“Yes, I love how it smells and it makes me feel close to him” as she wrapped herself up in blankets.
I find it interesting that something that gives her great comfort, hurts my heart so deeply and instantly brings tears to my eyes.
As I stood there trying to figure out how to handle this, my mind whispered softly: what a gift to have a child who knows how to take care of herself when she is hurting. She found something that makes her feel better and acted on it.
My gut wrenching sadness shifted into gratitude for Lily’s coping skills, the love Michael gave to Lily, the beautiful relationship those two had, the joy he brought to us, and the “modern family” we were all so blessed to have.
I was able to snuggle up with Lily and hold her even though my whole room smelled like the love of my life who no longer walks among us.
I miss him.
She misses him.
I know everyone who knew him, misses him.
And yet, simultaneously, I am grateful to have stood in his light and had the honor of loving him. I just wish I had that honor for 30 more years.

This has been one of the most shocking pieces of this walk with premature loss is the immense gratitude/joy/peace I can feel at the same time I am feeling loss or sadness. I can recognize and live in the opposites.
#Family #MissYouSweetheart #OurLoveStory #WidowsWords #BigBeautifulLife #ModernFamily #LoveIsLove #GratefulHeart