A New Phase of Grieving
A friend texted this weekend to check in and see how I am doing and I just started texting back, “I love you. I feel like I am in a new phase of processing Michael’s passing.” This weekend it was as if I had a new awareness that seems like it should have been there this whole time.
Everywhere I looked I was reminded of you and the memories of our past life that are scattered up and down the streets of this town. I kept thinking to myself “this is real” as I drove past our favorite restaurant where I was certain we would share many more meals, the Oberweis ice cream store that was your favorite and where we had many evenings in our jammies getting late night ice cream with (or without) the girls, and the nail spa where all the ladies, and guys, loved you. This weekend I took Lily in to get our nails done and instead of jumping into conversation with the girls and I, their gazes rested gently on me knowing that right now it hurts just to get my nails done and that although I smile and joke around with my girls, inside my heart hurts and I want nothing more than to have you in the chair next to me holding my hand like you have so many times.
All the little things that made up our big beautiful love and our big beautiful life is what I miss. I miss you my love. I miss your hand in mine. I miss your voice. I miss the man that would go and sit next to me at that nail spa just to be with me. I miss YOU.
It’s all the little moments that are happening right now that make up a lifetime… happening in this instant…so take notice, be present and enjoy every second because this is all we are guaranteed.
Michael and I were to be married May 11th, this weekend it hit me, deeply, that this is real too:
We will not be getting married.
I won’t ever slide this ring on your finger.
The plans that we made for our life, with each other and our kids, is not going to happen the way we planned. As that hit me in a new way this weekend I had to focus on the air in my lungs, the voices of my girls, the feeling of the sun on my face, and the love of friends who checked in.
A thought came to me in this moment that I have held onto all weekend:
My ideas and best laid plans are limited by five senses and “worldly knowledge” gained in a few short decades of life. I don’t have a clue what the plan is or what is possible because I am a drop of water in a big ocean with limitations. I remembered that my job is to love and I can keep doing that with Michael and those around me and that God (higher power, creator, source, light, universe) can do the rest. It has me and holds me as I make my way and luckily knows the bigger plan.
Stay tuned my friends… we shall see
XO
E
#MissingMichael #Love #One #OurBigBeautifulLife #OurLoveStory #GratefulHeart #GodsGPS #WidowsWords #MondaysMissingMichael #Faith #May11