Material Surrender

I woke up at 4am this morning with a heavy heart.
I did my normal routine of palms up to surrender my day, then said my little mantra, meditation, prayer and set my intention for today. Then a lightness came over me as I remembered that I am safe, loved and whole, no matter what goes on outside of me.

I was called to write and I know anyone who has ever lost a loved one and had to pack up their clothes, their shoes, their coats hanging in the closets, and their bathrobe will know what I’m talking about. You’re probably already cringing at the thought of when you had to do it, but bear with me. There was a piece of me that felt attached to it as if he might come back if I could see his clothes and smell him, and a piece of me that also knows its just “things”, stories attached to the body, not the soul.

Michael’s things have been frozen in time since his passing, obviously in the first couple of days loved ones came through and took sweatshirts and items that would feel comforting to them as they started this grieving process, but other than that it’s been like a time capsule... until yesterday.

The first couple of weeks after his passing I couldn’t even step foot in our bedroom, it was too hard, so I slept on the couch and once I finally had the courage to go upstairs I broke down in his closet. It smelled like him and starring back at me were a million memories of a beautiful life that we were both wildly grateful to have because it was rooted in a profound love that we knew many never experience. That’s what made it beautiful. As I looked upon the shirts, pants and shoes….memories of 7.5 years flashed in my head like rapid fire as my eyes moved from one thing to the next. Memories of a life together that ended far too soon…. church on Sundays, the suit he wore when he got his new job that he loved, the girl’s communions, his fishing trips, Turks and Caicos, soccer games on the sidelines, football games, Sundays with his mom, golfing together, Jamaica, Sunday morning comfees, his hunting shirt, yellowstone club, snorkeling together…and HIS ROBE.

His robe was my favorite because it still smelled like him after his shower. He always smelled amazing, but especially after his morning shower when he would come over and kiss me on the head as I laid in bed. I think my drive for being awake that early was just to smell him and feel his kiss. For 3.5 months the robe has hung on the inside of his closet door and every time I would pass his closet, I would open it, close my eyes, bring his robe to my face and smell him. So it became a morning and evening routine to open the door and smell it, and feel close to him or at least the memory of him.

During tough moments of grief or days where grief was slinking around me, I would go sit in his closet or lay on the ground and chat with him. I KNOW he is not these clothes, I KNOW he is not the body and that all of us are so much more, but it was a place to smell him and surround myself in years of memories of our big beautiful life.

Yesterday I had to pack up every piece of clothing, hat, shoes, jacket, underwear, and socks…
Everything except his “Bonus Dad” shirt that the girls gave him for Father’s Day a few years ago. And what a BONUS he was, not that they needed it as they have a Dad that loves them, but he was an additional person to extend love to them, support them in their life and to love their Mom and model unconditional love. Luckily, their father is secure enough in himself to appreciate how well he treated all of us, making it possible for the girls to have meaningful relationships with him, and what a gift for our kids.

Michael knew how to make everyone feel like they were a part of his family, and these girls were no different. He treated them like they were his own…homework, playing softball and basketball, attending sporting events, communions, graduations, volleyball meetings (This is great story Ill tell one day), school functions, a school conference for us once, plays, recitals, watching movies, playing cards, being a part of hosting their sleepovers, Oscar night, birthdays, make believe, story telling (he was the best), vacations, midnight snacks… He loved to be loved and loved to be a part of…

The shirt is worn but it says “Role Model, Provider, Protector, Hero, Friend For Life”.

Last night I brought the girls in to see his closet and to help them process. I had put popcorn (Michael and the girls favorite snack), lemonade, a box of tissue and some blankets in the closet ahead of time.. I was tearing up as I opened the doors, and the girls looked in and my littlest noodle said “YAY - WE GET TO KEEP THIS?”

HA. Perspective. Oh I laughed so hard, here I was attached to clothing, attached to a story of loss and limitation, a sadness about thread sewn together.. . Luckily my girls weren’t tied into the bullshit story that I was letting steal my joy and peace. They brought me back to what I know, , to the truth that love is all that is real and I had it when he was alive and I have it now. Thank you God for two little girls that tweak my perspective, take me from lack and limitation to abundance and love.

We told Michael stories, ate popcorn, laughed, cried a little bit and reminded each other that he is still around all of us that he loved and that we have the memories forever.

XO

#BigBeautifulLife #OurLoveStory #MissingMichael #Processing #Love #Light #HumorHeals #GratefulHeart #WidowsWords #SeekingPeace #FearIsALiar #SoIsLackAndLimitation #AbundanceAndPossibilities