I Found More Love

When I started to write this blog, the title that came to me was “Finding Love in the Strangest Places”, but “NOOOO” my heart responded. Why does my brain, not my heart, want to label this “strange”, especially when the post is about a beautiful connection over a human I loved so deeply? Let’s revisit this at the end of the blog…

Michael and I shared EVERYTHING with each other. I met Michael shortly before I hit my life’s bottom (YEA I thought I hit that in my 20’s too but, NOPE, turns out I didn’t). He met me, watched me tank, and then loved me as I figured out and stepped into who I AM. My relationship with him was the most authentic relationship I have ever had and it’s led to only authentic relationships… I hid nothing and held nothing back. I spoke my truth. I expressed love wildly. I shared my heart, my thoughts, my soul and he did that too as we grew together and lifted each other up.

A part of that was sharing our past relationships with each other. Our loves, losses, lessons and everything in between. Michael told me about the woman he dated before me… her name was Marisa. He told me about her story, how they met, that she was a strong mother of 3 kids and had picked herself up, much like he had to, and started another life after divorce. He talked about her kindly... told me about her close family, her culture, and their journey together and what he learned about himself. We drove past her white house she lived in and he pointed it out as we cruised by one day. I enjoyed hearing about her and wished her well, I too knew what it was like to start over and my heart felt for her. Although it didn’t work out for them long term, I know it was a loving relationship and I knew she was a better person for experiencing this man’s love in the time they had together.

Michael and Dutch (our doggy) passed on December 8th and as I processed what happened I thought of every single person he touched in his life and what a loss this was for ALL of us, that included Marisa. I spent the next week getting his wake and funeral planned with his siblings and on December 14th I woke up and saw a friend request from Marisa. She had popped in and out of my head during the week so I sent her a message “Hi there, I saw your friend request. I hope you heard from someone what happened to Michael. We have his wake today and funeral tomorrow. The world has lost a bright light”

She responded with a sweet and gentle message letting me know she had heard and that she was grieving for herself as well as our family. She typed “He was a beautiful man who shined his light on me for a time but found his true light in you”. Then she went on to share a bit about her journey with loss and extended her condolences. She was what I thought she would be: lovely.

Quickly I responded with “he had nothing but kind things to say about you friend, so hold that close to your heart. Feel free to come say goodbye if it will help you heal.” Her response was kind, but one line brought me to my knees and even in acute grief I knew it was wrong, “I don’t think it’s my place but I will be thinking of all of you greatly today”. I paused. How can acknowledging love and sharing in that be wrong? How can it not be “her place” to say goodbye to someone she shared a couple years of life with? I responded with “You are welcome and it’s absolutely your place. You loved Michael too. Come, I’ll give you a big hug and you can say goodbye.”

Marisa did not come to the wake or funeral, but she sent a beautiful message the morning of the wake. In that moment I felt connected to her wishing I could wrap my arms around her. She knows what his hugs feel like, what he smells like after a shower, and what his eyes look like two inches from your eyes. We share a love for an incredible man who blessed both of our lives… and I imagine her kid’s lives as well. We shared in the love and the loss of Michael, at different times and in different ways, but that bonds us.

A couple weeks after he passed, on a day that I was frustrated and struggling, I texted her and she knew exactly what I was talking about and she had me laughing my a$% off. We have continued to communicate. I have come to know this woman Michael shared a piece of his life with…I appreciate her personality, her directness, and her humor. Even in death he is blessing my life with a new friend and it’s not lost on me that I only get these gifts of love and connection because I am open to them.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this blog… why was I going to make something so beautiful, weird? As I sat with this I could only come up with a few things… because we are “supposed” to not like the EX. We are “supposed” to maybe see them as competition? We are “supposed” to see them as the bad? Not worthy? Not good enough? Maybe a possible threat? We are supposed to not like that they were with OUR person? (Remember “supposed to” is a swear word in our house)
To me, that sounds like the voice of EGO, it sounds like a big insecurity, it sounds like separation instead of connection, it sounds like judgement and it is certainly FEAR. Not a playground I want to play in, nor teach my girls to play in… and not a playground where I can experience peace, serenity and connection.

So, I don’t have to understand it, all I have to do is choose again.
I don’t have to judge myself, I just have to choose again.
I don’t have to wallow in it, dissect it, make it a part of me, I just have to simply choose again.
Choose love, over and over and over again. Because when I do, I get miracles my friend.

I find love and more love. SO now the title is “I found more love” and I hope that title makes sense. Does it?

XO

#FearLessLoveMore #GratefulHeart #Connection #Framily #WidowsWords #OurBigBeautifulLight #OurLoveStory #MissingMichael #FindingMoreLove #Peace #One #WalkingEachOtherHome #OnTheBigPorchTogether