The First Ride

Michael and I spent a lot of time together, outside of work, we were pretty much always together and enjoying each others company, our kids, and our #BigBeautifulLife. We had lots of activities we enjoyed doing together, one of them was biking. I saw that the weather was getting nicer two weeks ago, it was a Tuesday and our warmest day yet! It made me think of the 7 previous springs and how it brought with it many rides and many memories.

Michael took care of me like I’ve never been and his love was patient, tender, gentle, caring and thoughtful and I returned that gentle and all encompassing love. He was selfless and would think of others and put their needs first and often times thought of things long before I even knew I needed it. Every winter he would take my bike into our local bike shop for a tune up and every spring he would pick it up, bring it home, pump the tires and have it ready for our first ride. We had a tradition, this would be our 8th year, of doing our first ride of the season together. We would ride up to the botanical gardens, take a break at the gardens,have some water, chat and ride home. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it, I would give anything to have another ride with him, to smell him as I ride behind him on the path, to see his smirk when he would let me win our race down Glenview road, his little helmet, the ID bracelet he would wear, his cycling shirts, shorts and our all our adventures. Even while riding a bike he was a gentleman, riding on the outside of the path, being first at a crossing and walking me across, letting me rest in his tail wind if I was tired. (And what a mighty fine tail it was - HA)

Again each little seemingly insignificant daily moment adds up to your big beautiful life so we have to be mindful or we miss it, the experiences are elusive unless we are present to live in it. True presence and mindfulness is not being physically there but being present with an open heart and mind. I learned to not be tolerant of mind wandering and learned to practice quieting the mind and settling into the moment in front of me. In this moment I can find silence and take myself back to each ride, the conversation, the sun on my back, and I miss him. I miss him so deeply that on some days it feels like its going to break me but honestly, our bond is still there so it doesn’t. I feel him with me.

My friend Dana reached out and asked if I wanted to go on a ride - UMMMMM. She knew, she didn’t say she knew, but she knew it would be hard. I said I didn’t know what Michael did to get the bike ready but I would need to pump my tires. We joked around about how of course we could figure that out. So Tuesday rolled around and with it a warm breeze and sunshine, I knew she would be coming over for our ride. I thought about canceling because I am kind of sick of doing “the firsts”. HA, that’s the truth and I knew I had our FIRST Easter without him on the horizon which was a big enough first, no add to need another one in the same week.

Before I knew it, Dana texted that she would drive over with her bike and we would leave together.

She was onto me!!!!
She pulls in, she gets the bike pump out and we start pumping the bike tire and its not inflating. She keeps saying “OH yeah its getting harder”, but no, it wasn’t. We are laughing, cracking dirty jokes about how hard the tire ISN’T getting, and our inability to pump a damn tire when the painter who is painting the new house across the street walks over. Silently and very sweetly he takes the bike pump from my hand, unscrews the valve on the tire so that its open (that’s brilliant), and pumps the tires up. HAHAHAHAHA, oh boy.

Due to a time crunch, we quickly jumped on our bikes and we were off on our ride, enjoying nature, the trees that seemed to dwarf us, the fresh air and the sun… ahhhh the light. We went South and Michael and I usually rode North so it was a new route with less memories and a great first ride. We talked about kids, careers, parents, life and just enjoyed each other and our connection. We were gone and back so quickly that I didn’t even have time to cry, to contemplate how hard this would be, to think about all our memories. It’s done.

The most beautiful part of this story is that it’s simply one human being paying attention to another human being and because of that she was able to care for me and help me through another “first”. I hope we all strive to be like this… not just with our families or best friends… but to extend love to anyone around you.
This friend who did this was not my closest friend, she wasn’t here for the ins and outs of our daily life and our ups and downs, she didn’t know Michael and I to our core. She was a friend I would see at Maddie’s softball games since she was the coach, at a mutual friend’s Chirtsmas party, at something at school for the kids and she was lovely and kind but we didn’t have a ton of interaction. I am so grateful for her big beautiful heart, her thoughtfulness and ability to show love.

I wrap myself up in this beautiful gesture and expression of selfless love when I am having a moment of missing the physicalness of Michael. I have lost the love of my life and as much as I can feel and tell myself the BS story of I am broken and no longer cared for… it’s just simply not true. This is another example of love and being cared for and that’s how our love story continues. Yes it looks different, no it’s not Michael, but love is love and it continues to show up and carry us down this new road.

As for Michael, he is here too, just not physically so in his own way, with his signs, he is still a part of this love story too.

Dana, my dear friend, thank you for the first ride, for the laughter, for the conversation, for the friendship. I. Love. You. IFLY

One more thing about FIRSTS:
Courage is something I have had to have a lot of. It takes courage to do a first, and many times courage doesn’t mean I want to do something but I do it anyways (courage) and experience exponential growth from it. Sometimes things I really want to do take courage but with this loss courage goes along with getting to the other side. DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?

XO E