Right Now Even Ice Cream Hurts...

On a cold, snowy, night in February, Lily and I were driving home from her volleyball practice and we drove past the Oberwies with it’s glowing red and white sign. I saw it, it was like a punch to my gut and memories of being there with Michael and the girls instantly flooded in. It was his favorite ice cream place. ALL TIME FAVORITE. He always ordered the Butter Pecan and occasionally a strawberry smoothie if he was watching his waistline :)
We came to know most of the kids who work there, often times telling jokes or playing tricks on sweet Grace who works the cash register. Sometimes we would stay there to enjoy our ice cream and play chess or if it was a warm summer night we would walk home and usually would have brought Dutch with us (he would get a plain cone).

As we drove by, Lily looked over at me with sad eyes and I knew what she was going to say… I was thinking it too - now even getting ice cream is going to hurt like hell. She said, “I know it will be too sad to go in there.”

Lily’s little blue eyes filled up with tears and she turned to quietly cry while looking out the window, hiding her emotions as she tends to do.

“Well, Lily it will be sad and I can’t shield you from that as much a I wish I could, but it will also be happy the first time we go in because although we will miss Michael....we will tell stories about being there with him, we can play jokes on Grace and we will be making new memories. Then the next time we go, it will be a little bit easier and we will make even more new memories on top of all of the memories we have with Dutch and Michael there. Lily, we get to have our big beautiful life, we don't have to forfeit that because of what happened. You will feel joy having ice cream again, I promise you and we are getting moments of joy now in little bits and pieces every day. Michael would want us to carry on our big beautiful life and bring his memory right along with us, so let’s choose that and let’s do that one moment at a time and just see how it goes.”

On Sunday, May 5th, we biked up to get Oberweis (CHEERS - HOOT AND HOLLAR) We were all a little nervous, Maddie held my hand as we walked in. I knew humor would help…but what could I do? hmmmmmm As we walked up to the counter sweet Grace greeted us with a smile and Maddie started talking ,”Can I please have an oreo blah blah blah…”
I was standing behind Maddie and Grace looked at me and I mouthed “tell her no” and I smiled and gave her the head nod towards Maddie saying DOOOO IT!
So Grace said “no sorry”, shaking her head. (HAHAHAHAHAHA)

Maddie’s eyeballs were huge and she looked back at me and I said “well, I guess nothing for you, Lily you’re up”. Maddie’s head was whipping back and forth from Grace to me in utter disbelief. We finally broke down laughing…because sweet Maddie was about to become the girl from the exorcist :).
Grace, with her kind eyes and perfect smile (must have had braces) said ,”I haven’t seen you guys in a long time, where is your husband?”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Here comes the “cralking” (cry/talking) …

“Well Grace, Michael and Dutch passed away in a fatal car accident in December and it’s been too hard to come in but we are so glad we get to see you on our first visit in”. It was a tough moment for us and for Grace, her eyes got teary and she softly said, “I am so sorry.” Lily walked away and Maddie pulled close holding my hand. “Thank you Grace, he loved teasing you and we aren’t going to stop teasing you just because he’s gone, Im actually the funny one anyways (HAHAHA)… and thank you so much for asking where we have been. It reminds me that we impact those around us negatively or positively , that we are seen and loved, even in our local ice cream joint where I was certain you high schoolers were just stoned, eating ice cream, and would never actually remember us.” :)

It felt painful and joyful at the exact same time. That's the crazy thing that can happens after losing someone you love… In the exact same moment I could be experiencing excruciating sadness and joy, or sadness and hope, or sadness and all encompassing love. It's like experiencing polar opposites at the exact same time and feeling both so intensely.

This interaction made me think… how do I impact those around me? I think Michael’s Funeral mass had the same impact on people... It made people ask what is my legacy? Wha is my impact on the world and those around me?
So beautiful to know Grace missed us :), recognizes us, sees us…

I asked myself, am I bringing that light, humor and love into all spaces? I ask myself that because I want to leave that impact. I want people to see the light in me and recognize that in themselves, I want them to live joyfully with humor and laughter, I want them to feel connected, if with no one else, at least when they are with me.

Oh and if your wondering how to get ice cream home on bikes... I had an Oberweis bag tucked into my jacket…didn’t think through biking home with ice cream, but it was an adventure. Another one for the books.

We even all took samples of Butter Pecan in your memory hon (YUCK)… we love you sweetheart.

Ask yourself, without judgement or comparing, just lovingly ask yourself how you impact those around you… and does it match the way you want to impact people when they meet you?

#GratefulHeart #MissingMichael #WidowsWords #Light #Love #One #IceCreamHeals #SweetGrace #HumorHeals #BigBeautifulLife #OurLoveStory #SayYesToLife #BikeRidingForIceCream