A Venti Miracle Please...

I have worked hard, and continue to work, at choosing love over fear and a part of that is finding “the flow” in life and trusting. Leaning into love and trusting the process and NOT trying to manage and control my life with white knuckles… it takes faith too (God, spirit, source, universe, higher power - whatever that bigger than you thing is called)… to find the flow, be where I am supposed to be and on purpose.

Since Michael died, I have added a new part to my morning routine - complete SURRENDER. In the beginning I had to physically surrender, not just in meditation and prayer, because the pain was too great and I literally wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed with it, but now I think the routine helps me stay wide open to “miracles” and to be guided to be of maximum use. So, while laying in bed I straighten my arms out next to me, turn my palms upwards, take 3 deep breaths in my nose and out my mouth and say this little prayer/mantra: I surrender my day to you… my heartache, my worries, my concern and my fear. I ask that you make it abundantly clear today what I am suppose to do and where I am supposed to be. Give me the words and actions to benefit those around me and to unapologetically extend love to ALL, divorce me from self centered and self seeking motives and help me to be of maximum service today.”
Yesterday morning was like every other morning… except for I drove the kids to school in my pink ROBE (GAH yep I did it again), and had a t-shirt and little shorts on under it. So I was maybe half dressed, but NBD I wasn’t getting out of the car. I dropped Lily off at school and went to Starbucks for my (almost) daily skinny vanilla latte. Each morning Maddie and I go through the drive through and then I take her to school. On this morning, I pull into the drive thru and Maddie said ”NOOOO, please Mom order it on your phone and I will run in and grab it, I don’t want to wait in this long line and I want to be in line early for school.” I said “but Mads this will be quicker”. She said “Please Mom? Can we just order it and I’ll run in?”
Well, its a NIGHTMARE (that’s too gentle of a word) to get out of the drive thru, it backs traffic up on a major street and I am going to have to be that jerk this morning- WHY? Because I am in the FLOW, ok Mads… sure. Even though we NEVER do it this way, why not support her creativity and see whats faster? (Plus sometimes as a kid, it just feels so good to be heard and have things go your way, to have your idea accepted by an adult and action changed because of little you!)
I backed up into a spot, ordered my drink, waited 2 minutes and then pulled up to the Starbucks door and Maddie popped out of the car and walked in (because she is always wildly happy in the morning - hence the “popping”). My passenger side window was half open as was my drivers side because it was 52 degrees in Chicago (thats warm for us) which apparently brings out women in pink robes half-dressed PRAYING no one will see her. Well two Sheriffs walked out as Maddie was walking in and they could CLEARLY see in my car, SERIOUSLY? I am an embarrassment to myself at this point, forget about my poor daughter. I kind of looked down and the female Sheriff walked over to my window and said, ”You’re my dream mom” with this big smile. Red faced, I started laughing, “WHY because I take my daughter to school in my bathrobe?”
She said, “yep” with a big grin and by now she is standing at my window, I reached my hand out and touched her arm, laughing my tail off I say, “Well listen my fiancé, the love of my life died 3 months ago and it’s a shit show ever since” as I point to my hair and my robe. In the middle of our laughing, her face softens and her eyes droop a bit as she looks right into my eyes with empathy, leans in and says, “I know what that feels like I lost my daughter 3 years ago, go easy on yourself sweetheart”. So of course it’s now a love fest and we start talking about our healing journeys and she says she read this book that absolutely changed her grieving process and she wanted so badly to connect with the author.
I said “Well today is your lucky day, I know the author and can connect you two, I will by the end of today.” I am telling you her face lit up and we window hugged :). She extended a few more loving words on me and I gave it right back to her and thanked her for saying something… I added “you know we were meant to meet, thank you.”
I drove off with gratitude, not sadness, and LOVE in my heart. I was acutely aware of the beauty in being used to help someone else, even in a dark season of our life. I am grateful for mindfulness that leads me to “the flow”, true connection with myself and those around me, so that I can experience these miracles all around me. In that, I am afforded the opportunity to show up completely to give and receive love in any given moment.
As for her, she was also mindful and present to notice the train wreck mom in her robe and it took courage to say something…to take that risk of being rejected or not received well, but instead we both got reward.
Connect with others, spread joy and love, take the RISK because the rewards are miracles my friends.