Healing the Nightmare

Two weeks ago this Saturday, I started having nightmares of Michael and Dutch’s accident.  I am told that early on I had some nightmares, but I don’t recall that...thankfully.

I have them almost all night long with some breaks in between when I wake up.

I’m not fighting it, I am letting my brain and my emotions process the way it needs to and I am going with the “flow”, yes on this too.  I am telling you, the more I let myself be guided and trust the process, even the most painful and ugly processes are easier when we go with the “flow”.

I have a re-occurring nightmare of what my mind thinks happened during the accident.  I am in Michael’s car watching him and our sweet dog Dutch as they go off the road.  I can’t see myself in the dream, not my legs or my arms, but I am in the car, a passenger viewpoint, watching this happen and I can hear myself prematurely and calmly tell Michael to pay attention “hun, you have to pay attention here, stay on the road, Michael please stay on the road.”  As he starts to go off the road I say with great emotion and as strongly as I can, yet it comes out only as a gentle whisper  “Hun, you’re going off the road, get back on the road”  I see the tree moving closer to us as we are already off the road and I calmly say to him, with gentleness and sincerity in my voice, “I love you Michael, you’re not alone honey, I’m here”.

I see the car go into the tree and my view changes, I have moved outside of the car and I am looking through a window.  I see the impact on Michael and Dutch, I hear the sounds of the car against the tree, and I can smell the gas fumes and the smoke from the engine.  In the dream I can hear Michael yell and I can hear Dutch squeal and then the dream goes silent and it’s deafening. 

In the silence I see the car flip and slowly roll to a stop. I can hear only myself weeping quietly and I can feel the wetness of my tears on my face, but I still don’t see my body or my hands.

Then I wake up to the silence and the darkness of my bedroom.

I know where I am, I am laying in Michael’s indent in our bed, with my head on his pillow and I can hear myself breathing.

I remind myself  that although what I just experienced was a “sleeping nightmare”, this is our “awake nightmare”, Michael and Dutch are gone.

Again, I surrender, I turn my palms up, arms down at my side as I lay on my back.

I ask God to wrap me in his love and gentleness and I talk to my sweet Michael.  I tell him how much I love him and that I miss him and Dutchy.

Close by there is always a little girl sleeping near me… the other one on the couch in our room, so I roll over, snuggle up next to whoever is in my bed that night. Their back is usually on my chest and I can feel their heart beat, thump thump, thump thump. I am reminded that hearts still beat, lungs still breathe, my little noodles continue to grow, healing happens and the love is still there, only the body is gone.

I am sometimes awake for 10 minutes and sometime a considerable amount of time. 

I surrender to that too, I use that time to connect within, meditate, pray and just BE… in the silence that surrounds me, with a grateful heart for all I do have and certainly for the experience of that man’s love.

 #OurLoveStory #MissingMichael #WidowsWords #GratefulHeart #InTheSilence #Peace #One #Dutch #FamilyBedroom #Love #PureSweetAllEncompassingLove