Six Months...

One week ago as the week was winding up, I took a little inventory of the week… looking for progress. Shortly after Michael’s passing, my friend Bridget told me that she had read Joe Biden’s book and in his book he said he kept a calendar after his son died. Every night, after that days end, he would rate the day…a 10 the most painful and a 1 not very painful. He did this so he could see progress, see that after a few weeks he was having a few 8 days, 6 days, 7 days. I took her advice and kept a calendar and realized that a week ago I had only cried briefly a few times and that my days were not 7,8,9 or 10’s.

One of the smartest things I did after Michael and Dutch passed was see a sudden loss therapist, a recommendation from a friend. I went through my life, past “trauma” and premature loss with her and she told me what this process was likely going to be like with timelines for both myself and the girls. They were loose timelines, but she mentioned that for many people the 6 month mark would bring a touch of relief with it. She was right… we are all making progress.

Here is my truth just for today… today marks 6 months since I lost you and it hurts. As much as many things have changed because life moves forward and as humans we adjust to new “norms”, we make new patterns, new memories, and we have gotten through many “firsts” which create new memories and experiences, one thing stays the same. I’ll add that there has been joy in these moments even when there is pain, as bizarre as that sounds, its true. I often find I am simultaneously experiencing joy and gratitude along with the hurt of missing you, our big beautiful life and your love in a physical form.

The one thing that has stayed the same is my immense love for you and truthfully, I miss you every day.

It’s been six months since I lost your blue eyes, your touch, your smell, your gentle advice, the sound of your voice, your laugh, your random knowledge, your smile, your smirk and your embrace. The embrace that felt like coming home every single time. I was in a meeting this week and a very dear friend of ours was sitting next to me, Sweet Mandy, and at one point I leaned forward in my chair resting my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands. Mandy leaned over and rubbed my back ever so gently and slowly.

The tears just started streaming out of my eyes, it felt so good to be touched. To have someone’s hands on me in a tender and loving way, it was the feeling of being physically loved. As much as I still feel your love and can feel you around me, I miss your hands, your touch, your hugs, your kisses. One of the things I learned from my first marriage is that my love language is “physical touch” so when I found you and learned that you had a graduate degree in showing affection I knew it would be a good match. So it’s no surprise to me that I miss your physical touch… your hugs throughout the day, your kisses, our closeness on the couch and your hand in mine as we fall asleep each night.

Six months in and many days I feel like this happened yesterday. I still look for you or the dog when I come home. I go to call you in times I need support and in times I want to celebrate… I am grateful of your love Michael. For the life we shared. It was truly beautiful.

Im grateful for friends who sit next to me, who have held my hand, who rub my back :), and who hug me. I am grateful for daughters who snuggle with me and for a puppy who sleeps on me. Its not my Michael, but I will take pure love anywhere I can get it.

I encourage those who read this to be fully present and really experience the next “routine” embrace, smooch, hand that slips into yours, or snuggle session. From a partner, child, animal, friend… they are beautiful moments and they profoundly impact both the giver and receiver.

Thank you for letting me share. I will be trying to blog or post a video every Monday and Friday so its a bit more consistent. Thanks for your love and support friends.

XO

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